More than you probably want to know about me

Let's talk about emotions for a bit shall we? So I often jokingly describe myself as emotionally dead inside, which never fails to get people to give me that look that says"I think you're kidding but if you're not I'm concerned for your well being." And for me it's always been one of those things when I mean it comically but it's like...totally true. It's not necessarily that I can't feel emotion, it's that I often choose not to. Which sucks. Cause what happens is I chose not to feel emotion so I just become this human pool of stagnant water, which if you've never seen stagnant water, is disgusting. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, but I'm not happy either. I'm just sort of...there - like that knick knack you got for Christmas one year you never really bothered to hide in the garage. And it's really frustrating to become aware of the problem and not do anything about it, because I'm stagnant, but once in awhile something comes along that snaps me out of that stagnancy, and is amazing. It's like, you know that song by Three Days Grace "pain?" Well if not, the chorus of the song goes "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." Anyway that sentiment, though sounding really depressing is totally true, cause I've gone through years at a time, what with the whole not feeling emotions thing, not ever having a true emotional reaction or connection to something. And so when those dry spells, when those deserts so sadly devoid of emotional substance finally begin to fade into something, anything other than just miles of sleepy sand, even the mostly ugly patch of grass can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. I think I've taken that metaphor as far as it will go, but my point is even something that's normally perceived as negative, like sadness feels awesome to someone who hasn't felt anything in a long time. There is nothing that is quite as cathartic or just good in general as sobbing uncontrollably.
So Scott, why are you waiting all this emo crap right now? Well I'm just now coming off of one of my emotionless binges, and I'm anticipating the moment when I'll get to feel something again. And I think this time that anticipation is particularly bitter sweet because it comes with graduating. There is an actual instigation. I'm graduating. Like, tomorrow. And I'm scared, but I'm not scared of being homeless. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. And I try to believe that there are more wrong decisions, that everything that happens is beneficial in some way. But I can't help but worry that once I've made my decision I'll lose everything I've found here, or I'll lose everything I've learned about myself. Either way I know that in the next seven days I better have one damn good cry, because it's gonna feel so much worse if it just festers in my little stagnant pool. Sorry to get so vague all of a sudden, but it's my blog. Chill out. Maybe I'll add more to this later.

My Thoughts on Why the New Year is Important

So I feel bad that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been busy working through my own stuff so I haven’t felt passionate about anything one way or another for a while. A while. Anyway, that’s why my last five posts have been kind of cop outs. But I decided it was time to write something thoughtful again, especially since that appears to be what you guys prefer. So I give you my thoughts on why the New Year is important.

Before we talk about why the New Year is important, let’s talk about why it shouldn’t be. What is a year? “Year” is just the name we give to a single rotation of the Earth around the sun. Should there be any sort of important emphasis on a day that could just as easily be any other day of the year? I mean, if we chose to start the year on March 25 then January first wouldn’t hold any importance at all. It’d be just another day, like April 10, December 28, or July 20. So then, why put such emotional, personal, and cultural significance on a day that is only significant because we chose it to be? I think that this is a valid argument as to why January 1 is a day like any other, but I don’t think that removes its significance. Every day is significant. Those dates above are each significant. They are my mother’s birthday, the day I became a Christian, and the day we landed on the moon, respectively. Every one of those days holds extreme importance for many, many people: everyone my mom has ever interacted with, me, and every person on this planet. So I think it is pretty safe to dismiss the idea that a random day can even be insignificant, as you can pick any day and find something important that has happened on that day - whether it was life being extinguished, being lit, being engorged by something amazing like love, or simply continuing. Every day is important because there is something unique and amazing in every day.

So then, we know every day is important, but that still leaves the doubt that the beginning of a year is what makes January 1 significant. Perhaps it’s only important because it’s a day just like any other, that is to say, a day unlike any other. I would say otherwise. See, I think the significance of a New Year is important to that day. (In rebuttal to my earlier point that the New Year could be any day so thus insignificant, that’s idiotic. We didn’t put it on any other day. We put it on January 1. So shut up.) For though the World goes on rotating and revolving, it is begins anew every year. The constellations start their migrations across the sky over and the seasons begin their cycle again. But nothing is quite the same. The constellations change based on the expansion of the universe and whether or not some star somewhere has twinkled its last. The seasons change their specificities based on the changes to the atmosphere. The world is constantly changing, and though it starts its cycle over, it never repeats the exact same cycle. In the same way, we may be experiencing January first again (second now), but this is a new January 2. This is January 2, 2013. And we’ve never had that before. And we’ll never have it again. This moment is brand new and it only lasts as long as it is right there. So we have to embrace that newness. So the New Year is significant because it is us starting over as something new.

But that is not all that makes the New Year important. Indeed, it is not even the most important aspect of the New Year. What’s most important about the New Year is the gusto with which we approach it. See we know the year is new. We know this year has never been and never will be again. So we also know that we need to seize that moment while it is there and to make it the best year we have each experienced. Resolutions have become a bit of a joke in our culture – the idea that we’re all going to be in the gym for the next two weeks then we’re all going to be back at Kentucky Fried Chicken. But they are not all failures. And while we may like our deep fried, genetically altered, oil sponges KFC calls chicken, we still try to improve every year. No one approaches the New Year thinking “this year I need to be worse.” And if they do they are a waste of space. We all want to improve. We are all hoping, and some of us even striving, to improve ourselves and the world around us. That, my friends, is why the New Year is important. Not because of alcohol and stupid ass glasses made out of numbers, but because we all know deep in our bones that the way we are is crap, or at the very least mediocre, and that we need to be constantly bettering ourselves. The New Year is significant not only because it is new, but because it will hopefully be improved. And that is the only time that statement hasn’t been an oxymoron that I’m aware of.

What saddens me is that we lose sight of that in a week. Like clockwork, we all lose sight of the fact that we are like the Earth and every moment is a new one for us. And since every moment is new, and we have the capacity to improve ourselves and everything around us, it is our responsibility as stewards of the Earth to actually do that. We develop this odd philosophy somehow that the status quo is “ok.” We are the way we are. There is nothing we can do about that, so we just won’t. But that’s not the case, every one of us has some improvement to make on ourselves, and saying so isn’t offensive. It’s offensive that people think they have nothing to do to improve themselves. So I know it’s a long shot, but I remain hopeful that one year, maybe this year, we won’t forget. And we will constantly strive to better everything we can – for ourselves, for our family, for our friends, for (our) strangers, and for our home.

Happy New Year everyone. Make 2013 a good one.

Candid Questions

So first this is mostly a self indulgent post, I need to talk about these things and if I've learned anything about myself it's that writing is my best way to talk about something. So if you're looking for a minorly witty or angry article feel free to skip this post. I've got something cooking for later this week. This post isn't for you guys, sorry, it's for me.

Have you ever had one of those nights where you can feel change coming?
I've heard wives' tales (I apologize for the misogyny, it's a phrase) that animals can sense danger or fear. You know, things that shouldn't be sensible. And I think as humans we have a similar, if more rarely occurrent, ability to sense when something is about to change, since we're sort of apprehensive of such things. But I've had one of those nights.
It came about after a weekend of thought. See I've been in college for four years now. Well, three and a sixth. And while I've learned a lot about what I came here to study, what I've learned most about is something I've never had single class on: me. I've learned who I am and how I operate. I learned a lot of why I am the way I am. I've learned what I fear, why I fear it. I've learned what I love and why I love it. But what I've also learned about is what I lack. And I don't know really how to describe it, whether it's drive, or desire, or passion. I believe those are all wrong words, cause I have those things. For lack of a better, more culturally current word, the only term I can think of is what it is that makes me a man rather than a boy.
Now this term "man" can be used to refer to men, women, transgendered, asexuals, or people who don't know who they are yet. It sounds a little sexist, and I suppose the term is, but basically what I mean by "man" is that thing that makes you solidly you. It's that thing that makes you stand up for your beliefs or defend your friends. It's that thing that makes you take a girl in your arms and kiss her without any warning. It's that thing that makes you say "I want that, and I will do anything within my power to get it." The thing that makes you help a person in need rather than watching and think about the sadness of the image. The thing that makes you a companion and a leader rather than a bandwagoner.

See this weekend has been an important one for me. I've been thinking. A lot. I watched a fantastic film about fear and how it drives us to courage. Cause how can you have courage (defined by the always phenomenal Mark Twain as "resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear") without fear? Then I spent a day with an absolutely amazing girl, reminding me that I've always let fear force me into submission rather than taking command of my fear and using it as a drive. Then today I thought pretty much constantly of this idea of death and fear as driving forces. And then I watched the San Francisco Giants sweep the world series. And I thought about how terrifying it must have been to be Romo: everyone relying on you to not give a run. To take the game. To give the Giants another championship. And how that could be crippling, yet he still took that time to calmly strike out that last batter and take the victory.

So I've been thinking a lot about risk and who I am as a nonrisky person. How I just allow myself to coast through school and through my relationships. And all I ever really put any effort into is my writing and filmmaking (coincidentally the only two times where I have complete mastery of my fear). And how I hate that. I'm on this earth for less than a century to appreciate all creation has to offer. Why not experience it? All of it? Joy, fear, courage, fun, nature, people, a kiss in the moonlight, a song sung in public, a dance through the park, a visit to a foreign nation. Besides, what do I really fear anyway? Failure? What's wrong with failure? Is it that it brings about sadness? My favorite description of sadness was in the episode of Doctor Who entitled "Blink." It's written by Steven Moffat and the line is delivered by Carey Mulligan. When asked what is good about sadness she says "Sad is happy for deep people."
And don't we all want to be deep? I want to - deeply sad, deeply happy, deeply lost, deeply in love. I know this is kind of a trite topic, but it's still something Im learning. It seems the most basic to living lessons are the most difficult to master.
I've kind of run out of steam for this post, but to sum up, I can feel change coming. I've felt it bubbling up for a long time and now that I'm in the eye of the storm I can see it coming. And I must say I'm terribly excited. Terrified. But I think that's what's so exiting. I'm so scared that life's happening, but I can't help but feel like it will be wonderful. Life is many things and I want to feel it all. That's what we're meant to do. If not, then why were we given this amazing world? I'm scared pantless (heh that autocorrected to panthers in my phone) of what's about to happen. Of my plans this week. Of my graduation. Of my career path. Of my life beyond this city. But that's why it's exciting, without fear how can I be courageous? How can I be a man? I can't. And that's terrifyingly exciting.