Candid Questions

So first this is mostly a self indulgent post, I need to talk about these things and if I've learned anything about myself it's that writing is my best way to talk about something. So if you're looking for a minorly witty or angry article feel free to skip this post. I've got something cooking for later this week. This post isn't for you guys, sorry, it's for me.

Have you ever had one of those nights where you can feel change coming?
I've heard wives' tales (I apologize for the misogyny, it's a phrase) that animals can sense danger or fear. You know, things that shouldn't be sensible. And I think as humans we have a similar, if more rarely occurrent, ability to sense when something is about to change, since we're sort of apprehensive of such things. But I've had one of those nights.
It came about after a weekend of thought. See I've been in college for four years now. Well, three and a sixth. And while I've learned a lot about what I came here to study, what I've learned most about is something I've never had single class on: me. I've learned who I am and how I operate. I learned a lot of why I am the way I am. I've learned what I fear, why I fear it. I've learned what I love and why I love it. But what I've also learned about is what I lack. And I don't know really how to describe it, whether it's drive, or desire, or passion. I believe those are all wrong words, cause I have those things. For lack of a better, more culturally current word, the only term I can think of is what it is that makes me a man rather than a boy.
Now this term "man" can be used to refer to men, women, transgendered, asexuals, or people who don't know who they are yet. It sounds a little sexist, and I suppose the term is, but basically what I mean by "man" is that thing that makes you solidly you. It's that thing that makes you stand up for your beliefs or defend your friends. It's that thing that makes you take a girl in your arms and kiss her without any warning. It's that thing that makes you say "I want that, and I will do anything within my power to get it." The thing that makes you help a person in need rather than watching and think about the sadness of the image. The thing that makes you a companion and a leader rather than a bandwagoner.

See this weekend has been an important one for me. I've been thinking. A lot. I watched a fantastic film about fear and how it drives us to courage. Cause how can you have courage (defined by the always phenomenal Mark Twain as "resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear") without fear? Then I spent a day with an absolutely amazing girl, reminding me that I've always let fear force me into submission rather than taking command of my fear and using it as a drive. Then today I thought pretty much constantly of this idea of death and fear as driving forces. And then I watched the San Francisco Giants sweep the world series. And I thought about how terrifying it must have been to be Romo: everyone relying on you to not give a run. To take the game. To give the Giants another championship. And how that could be crippling, yet he still took that time to calmly strike out that last batter and take the victory.

So I've been thinking a lot about risk and who I am as a nonrisky person. How I just allow myself to coast through school and through my relationships. And all I ever really put any effort into is my writing and filmmaking (coincidentally the only two times where I have complete mastery of my fear). And how I hate that. I'm on this earth for less than a century to appreciate all creation has to offer. Why not experience it? All of it? Joy, fear, courage, fun, nature, people, a kiss in the moonlight, a song sung in public, a dance through the park, a visit to a foreign nation. Besides, what do I really fear anyway? Failure? What's wrong with failure? Is it that it brings about sadness? My favorite description of sadness was in the episode of Doctor Who entitled "Blink." It's written by Steven Moffat and the line is delivered by Carey Mulligan. When asked what is good about sadness she says "Sad is happy for deep people."
And don't we all want to be deep? I want to - deeply sad, deeply happy, deeply lost, deeply in love. I know this is kind of a trite topic, but it's still something Im learning. It seems the most basic to living lessons are the most difficult to master.
I've kind of run out of steam for this post, but to sum up, I can feel change coming. I've felt it bubbling up for a long time and now that I'm in the eye of the storm I can see it coming. And I must say I'm terribly excited. Terrified. But I think that's what's so exiting. I'm so scared that life's happening, but I can't help but feel like it will be wonderful. Life is many things and I want to feel it all. That's what we're meant to do. If not, then why were we given this amazing world? I'm scared pantless (heh that autocorrected to panthers in my phone) of what's about to happen. Of my plans this week. Of my graduation. Of my career path. Of my life beyond this city. But that's why it's exciting, without fear how can I be courageous? How can I be a man? I can't. And that's terrifyingly exciting.