More than you probably want to know about me

Let's talk about emotions for a bit shall we? So I often jokingly describe myself as emotionally dead inside, which never fails to get people to give me that look that says"I think you're kidding but if you're not I'm concerned for your well being." And for me it's always been one of those things when I mean it comically but it's like...totally true. It's not necessarily that I can't feel emotion, it's that I often choose not to. Which sucks. Cause what happens is I chose not to feel emotion so I just become this human pool of stagnant water, which if you've never seen stagnant water, is disgusting. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, but I'm not happy either. I'm just sort of...there - like that knick knack you got for Christmas one year you never really bothered to hide in the garage. And it's really frustrating to become aware of the problem and not do anything about it, because I'm stagnant, but once in awhile something comes along that snaps me out of that stagnancy, and is amazing. It's like, you know that song by Three Days Grace "pain?" Well if not, the chorus of the song goes "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." Anyway that sentiment, though sounding really depressing is totally true, cause I've gone through years at a time, what with the whole not feeling emotions thing, not ever having a true emotional reaction or connection to something. And so when those dry spells, when those deserts so sadly devoid of emotional substance finally begin to fade into something, anything other than just miles of sleepy sand, even the mostly ugly patch of grass can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. I think I've taken that metaphor as far as it will go, but my point is even something that's normally perceived as negative, like sadness feels awesome to someone who hasn't felt anything in a long time. There is nothing that is quite as cathartic or just good in general as sobbing uncontrollably.
So Scott, why are you waiting all this emo crap right now? Well I'm just now coming off of one of my emotionless binges, and I'm anticipating the moment when I'll get to feel something again. And I think this time that anticipation is particularly bitter sweet because it comes with graduating. There is an actual instigation. I'm graduating. Like, tomorrow. And I'm scared, but I'm not scared of being homeless. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. And I try to believe that there are more wrong decisions, that everything that happens is beneficial in some way. But I can't help but worry that once I've made my decision I'll lose everything I've found here, or I'll lose everything I've learned about myself. Either way I know that in the next seven days I better have one damn good cry, because it's gonna feel so much worse if it just festers in my little stagnant pool. Sorry to get so vague all of a sudden, but it's my blog. Chill out. Maybe I'll add more to this later.

Poetry I Wrote - Probably Badly

Hey. So I write prose. I don't know if you've noticed from EVERY SINGLE OTHER post on this blog. Even the one I called a poem is really prose written in very short sentences. These two are actually poems. The first is a sort of modified sonnet and the second one is a prose poem. If they're really bad feel free to let me know and I won't post poetry up here again. This is kinda an experiment. Have fun. Also the first poem should really be read with this playing in the background.

A Rain Sonnet -

Drips echo up in to my ear

Washing clean my cares and my fear

See it’s not the feel nor the sound

Wherein stormy pleasure is found.

Rather tis the thought may that I

Prove the sadness brought by the rain

Fiction, Fant’sy, and Brittle Lie –

Lies of sorrow, sadness, and pain

“sad is happy for deep people”

Just to feel is proof of my life

Life is not found in home’r steeple

But in good hope after strife

How can sadness stay here and not

Flee if’t exposes what I’ve got?

The Source of Utopia -

For me there is no single utopia. I am enthralled by the serene life of the countryside. The slow moving people. The sweet smelling wind. The sounds of life in its purest form.

Yet I find an equal peace in the city – in the hustle and bustle of the city. The speeding of the always-cycling train. The rising stench of a thousand hot dog stands. The dull roar of a city that won’t sleep.

For me, utopia is the progression of life reminding me I’m alive. Utopia isn’t a sight. Or a smell. Or a sound. It is the amazing variety of sights in every place. And the ever changing scent of the world. And the sounds of the different folk, flora, and fauna found throughout the earth.

Candid Questions

So first this is mostly a self indulgent post, I need to talk about these things and if I've learned anything about myself it's that writing is my best way to talk about something. So if you're looking for a minorly witty or angry article feel free to skip this post. I've got something cooking for later this week. This post isn't for you guys, sorry, it's for me.

Have you ever had one of those nights where you can feel change coming?
I've heard wives' tales (I apologize for the misogyny, it's a phrase) that animals can sense danger or fear. You know, things that shouldn't be sensible. And I think as humans we have a similar, if more rarely occurrent, ability to sense when something is about to change, since we're sort of apprehensive of such things. But I've had one of those nights.
It came about after a weekend of thought. See I've been in college for four years now. Well, three and a sixth. And while I've learned a lot about what I came here to study, what I've learned most about is something I've never had single class on: me. I've learned who I am and how I operate. I learned a lot of why I am the way I am. I've learned what I fear, why I fear it. I've learned what I love and why I love it. But what I've also learned about is what I lack. And I don't know really how to describe it, whether it's drive, or desire, or passion. I believe those are all wrong words, cause I have those things. For lack of a better, more culturally current word, the only term I can think of is what it is that makes me a man rather than a boy.
Now this term "man" can be used to refer to men, women, transgendered, asexuals, or people who don't know who they are yet. It sounds a little sexist, and I suppose the term is, but basically what I mean by "man" is that thing that makes you solidly you. It's that thing that makes you stand up for your beliefs or defend your friends. It's that thing that makes you take a girl in your arms and kiss her without any warning. It's that thing that makes you say "I want that, and I will do anything within my power to get it." The thing that makes you help a person in need rather than watching and think about the sadness of the image. The thing that makes you a companion and a leader rather than a bandwagoner.

See this weekend has been an important one for me. I've been thinking. A lot. I watched a fantastic film about fear and how it drives us to courage. Cause how can you have courage (defined by the always phenomenal Mark Twain as "resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear") without fear? Then I spent a day with an absolutely amazing girl, reminding me that I've always let fear force me into submission rather than taking command of my fear and using it as a drive. Then today I thought pretty much constantly of this idea of death and fear as driving forces. And then I watched the San Francisco Giants sweep the world series. And I thought about how terrifying it must have been to be Romo: everyone relying on you to not give a run. To take the game. To give the Giants another championship. And how that could be crippling, yet he still took that time to calmly strike out that last batter and take the victory.

So I've been thinking a lot about risk and who I am as a nonrisky person. How I just allow myself to coast through school and through my relationships. And all I ever really put any effort into is my writing and filmmaking (coincidentally the only two times where I have complete mastery of my fear). And how I hate that. I'm on this earth for less than a century to appreciate all creation has to offer. Why not experience it? All of it? Joy, fear, courage, fun, nature, people, a kiss in the moonlight, a song sung in public, a dance through the park, a visit to a foreign nation. Besides, what do I really fear anyway? Failure? What's wrong with failure? Is it that it brings about sadness? My favorite description of sadness was in the episode of Doctor Who entitled "Blink." It's written by Steven Moffat and the line is delivered by Carey Mulligan. When asked what is good about sadness she says "Sad is happy for deep people."
And don't we all want to be deep? I want to - deeply sad, deeply happy, deeply lost, deeply in love. I know this is kind of a trite topic, but it's still something Im learning. It seems the most basic to living lessons are the most difficult to master.
I've kind of run out of steam for this post, but to sum up, I can feel change coming. I've felt it bubbling up for a long time and now that I'm in the eye of the storm I can see it coming. And I must say I'm terribly excited. Terrified. But I think that's what's so exiting. I'm so scared that life's happening, but I can't help but feel like it will be wonderful. Life is many things and I want to feel it all. That's what we're meant to do. If not, then why were we given this amazing world? I'm scared pantless (heh that autocorrected to panthers in my phone) of what's about to happen. Of my plans this week. Of my graduation. Of my career path. Of my life beyond this city. But that's why it's exciting, without fear how can I be courageous? How can I be a man? I can't. And that's terrifyingly exciting.

"I Wish I Could Understand": a poem

So I don't write poetry often. In fact this is the first thing I've written that wasn't a school assignment, but it was on my mind and I'm late on a post this week. So please enjoy this poem until I get up my review of Starkid's new play "Holy Musical B@man":

I don't understand how I can detest someone so much and miss them terribly at the same time.

I don't understand how I can mean it telling someone "I love you," and scream at them for destroying the person I love most.

I don't understand how someone can declare love for me and defile that which I hold most dear.

I wish I could understand.

Cause if I understood, maybe I could do something. Maybe I could escape somewhere. Maybe I could move on somehow.

I wish I could understand.
But I can't.

By - S.G. Spears