Thursday, June 13, 2013

More than you probably want to know about me

Let's talk about emotions for a bit shall we? So I often jokingly describe myself as emotionally dead inside, which never fails to get people to give me that look that says"I think you're kidding but if you're not I'm concerned for your well being." And for me it's always been one of those things when I mean it comically but it's like...totally true. It's not necessarily that I can't feel emotion, it's that I often choose not to. Which sucks. Cause what happens is I chose not to feel emotion so I just become this human pool of stagnant water, which if you've never seen stagnant water, is disgusting. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, but I'm not happy either. I'm just sort of...there - like that knick knack you got for Christmas one year you never really bothered to hide in the garage. And it's really frustrating to become aware of the problem and not do anything about it, because I'm stagnant, but once in awhile something comes along that snaps me out of that stagnancy, and is amazing. It's like, you know that song by Three Days Grace "pain?" Well if not, the chorus of the song goes "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." Anyway that sentiment, though sounding really depressing is totally true, cause I've gone through years at a time, what with the whole not feeling emotions thing, not ever having a true emotional reaction or connection to something. And so when those dry spells, when those deserts so sadly devoid of emotional substance finally begin to fade into something, anything other than just miles of sleepy sand, even the mostly ugly patch of grass can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. I think I've taken that metaphor as far as it will go, but my point is even something that's normally perceived as negative, like sadness feels awesome to someone who hasn't felt anything in a long time. There is nothing that is quite as cathartic or just good in general as sobbing uncontrollably.
So Scott, why are you waiting all this emo crap right now? Well I'm just now coming off of one of my emotionless binges, and I'm anticipating the moment when I'll get to feel something again. And I think this time that anticipation is particularly bitter sweet because it comes with graduating. There is an actual instigation. I'm graduating. Like, tomorrow. And I'm scared, but I'm not scared of being homeless. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. And I try to believe that there are more wrong decisions, that everything that happens is beneficial in some way. But I can't help but worry that once I've made my decision I'll lose everything I've found here, or I'll lose everything I've learned about myself. Either way I know that in the next seven days I better have one damn good cry, because it's gonna feel so much worse if it just festers in my little stagnant pool. Sorry to get so vague all of a sudden, but it's my blog. Chill out. Maybe I'll add more to this later.

1 comment:

  1. What you're feeling is typical angst for someone graduation. Figuring out a career (and getting a job in it) that works for you is one of the hardest things to do.

    Remember the old adage... There are two choices in life that really matter. Who you spend your life with and what you spend your life doing.

    Good luck. Let me know if you want to talk or I can be of any help. Been there.